


Opening Old Wounds to Let Them Heal

by cosmic_marigolds



Series: Of Fallen Angels and the Sort [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angel Crowley (Good Omens), Crowley Was Raphael Before He Fell (Good Omens), Fluff and Angst, Gen, Hurt Crowley (Good Omens), M/M, Maybe a happy ending?, Multi, Nightmares, Pre-Fall (Good Omens), who knows!! not me!!, yea im one of those people hush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-01
Updated: 2019-08-03
Packaged: 2020-07-28 19:02:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20069005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_marigolds/pseuds/cosmic_marigolds
Summary: After a series of post-trial nightmares, Aziraphale finally asks Crowley to tell the story of his fall





	1. The Nightmare Begins...And Ends?

**Author's Note:**

> I truly 100% promise I will write things that don't have to do with Good Omens, just give me T I M E  
Also I am one of those Crowley-is-Raphael fans, so that's just how it's gonna be ig

_The sky turned the darkest shade of black, as clouds of smoke and sulfur engulfed the newly fallen Crowley. He cried out, his back on fire as his wings twisted and turned black._

_“Why?” he asked, voice hoarse from the ashes. He looked down in a pool of black water, reeling back as he noticed his eyes that were once golden like the sun now resembled that of a snake. Then, in the water, he saw it. Broken and bleeding, several feet ahead of him, he saw him._

_Aziraphale. His wings twisted in wrong angles; his eyes suddenly lifeless. Crowley tried to run to him, but he couldn’t move. He tried to run to him, but his voice gave out. Before he could do anything, the ground opened underneath his angel and engulfed him._

_He finally screamed._

_\--_

“Crowley? Crowley!”

Crowley shot up in bed at the sound of Aziraphale’s voice, his heart still racing from the nightmare. He felt his angel put one hand on his shoulder, while using the other to turn the demon’s face towards him, eyes filled with concern.

“What happened, love?” Aziraphale spoke softly, as if his voice could shatter Crowley if it went above a whisper. “Did you have another nightmare?”

“Yea. Yea, it’s nothing, angel” Crowley tried to avoid the topic, focusing instead on the presence of Aziraphale’s hand on his face. “I’m sorry to wake you over something so stupid”

“Nonsense, dear,” Aziraphale moved his hands into Crowley’s and softly pulled him off the bed. “Come now, I’ll make us some tea.”

Crowley wanted to resist, but soon he felt himself being pulled out of the bedroom and into the den of Aziraphale’s flat. Aziraphale sat him down on the couch and placed a gentle kiss atop his head.

“Stay right there, my love,” he tutted “I’ll bring it out to you,”

Crowley could do nothing but nod, hands still shaking and heart still racing. As Aziraphale went towards the kitchen, he willed himself to look at the clock on the wall.

3:30am.

He let out a shuddering breath and put his head between his hands. For some odd reason, the past several nights of sleep had been filled with nightmares. Specifically, nightmares about his fall. He used to have them on occasion, but ever since he and Aziraphale stopped Armageddon and the two faced each other’s trials, he couldn’t get the nightmares to stop. Crowley still shuddered at the look on Gabriel’s face as “Aziraphale” was about to step into the hellfire.

_Shut your stupid face, and die already_

He shuddered again, and with great effort heaved himself off the couch and saddled his way towards the kitchen. Once he reached the entryway, he leaned against the door and just stood there, taking in every that was Aziraphale. His well-manicured hands flitted about the kettle, making quick work of the tea making process, stormy eyes fixed on the task at hand as he hummed a tune. He knew he could just snap his fingers and the tea would be ready in an instant, but something about the process of it all, especially after one of Crowley’s nightmares, made the tea feel as though there was love placed in every sip.

Aziraphale looked up at Crowley, his stormy hazel eyes tired but full of admiration. “You didn’t have to get up dear, the tea will be ready soon”

Crowley gave him a half smile. “I just-I wanted to look at you”

Aziraphale blushed and smiled. “Oh please, you look at me every day”

“I know,” Crowley crossed over to Aziraphale and wrapped his arms around his waist from behind, taking in his warmth. “But I can’t get enough of you, you know”

He buried his face in Aziraphale’s neck, and the angel brought a hand up to his face. They stayed there for a moment, Aziraphale grazing his lips over the top of Crowley’s head.

“This isn’t the first nightmare you’ve had, Crowley”

“I know, Angel” he grumbled softly, voice muffled “’s no big deal”

“No big deal?” Aziraphale turned to face Crowley, both hands cupping the demon’s face “Crowley, you’ve been afraid to go to bed almost every night since our trials, and you’ve been absolutely tense whenever we go out,”

Aziraphale tipped Crowley’s chin to bring them face-to-face. “Darling, please. I just don’t want to see you upset,”

The kettle whistled. Crowley let out another shuddering breath.

“I keep,” Crowley bit his lip. He looked at Aziraphale. What could he even tell him? That even after thousands of years, he still had nightmares about his Fall? And now, ever since the trial, he kept seeing Aziraphale fall in his dreams? That if something happened and Aziraphale did fall, he could never forgive himself for it?

“I just—I don’t know why, but I keep dreaming about my Fall.”

Aziraphale’s brow knitted with concern. “You haven’t had those in a while. What’s brought them back—”

“This time you were there”

Aziraphale stopped and just looked at Crowley, who could barely meet Aziraphale’s eyes.

“I keep-I keep dreaming about…” Crowley squeezed his eyes shut and bit his lip. He pulled away from Aziraphale and walked back towards the doorway.

“Are you worried… about me falling, love?” Aziraphale mustered, slowly trying to close the new gap that had formed between them.

“They might still come after you” Crowley muttered.

“They’re not going to come after me, dear,” Aziraphale managed to get close enough to reach out and touch Crowley, but the demon only curled more inward upon himself “If Hell has decided to leave you be after your trial, then surely Heaven—”

“You don’t know that, Angel!” Crowley shot back a look of horror and frustration that made Aziraphale back away. “Yea, Hell may not think it’s worth the trouble, but Heaven’s a lot more vindictive than we think, and after what they said—”

Crowley stopped himself and turned away from Aziraphale. He walked out of the kitchen and back into the den, doing everything in his power not to meet the concern expression on Aziraphale’s face. Aziraphale went after him, placing a gentle hand on Crowley’s back, guiding him onto the couch.

“You… You never told me about my trial,” Aziraphale said after a long pause, and Crowley winced “What evidence did they bring against me? What did they say that’s made you so tense over the subject?”

Crowley finally met Aziraphale’s eyes, the stormy eyes brewing with apprehension.

“They…” Crowley began. He didn’t want to tell Aziraphale. In all honesty, it broke Crowley to see Heaven’s punishment for his angel, the cruel words and the willingness to skip straight into an execution. He had wanted to burn them all, tear Heaven apart for the whole ordeal, then maybe finally he would feel some kind of closure from his Fall.

“Whatever they did or said to you, I can hear it,” Aziraphale’s hand found Crowley’s and gave it a tight squeeze. “I’m not made of glass, it won’t shatter me”

“Are you sure?” Crowley whispered, lacing Aziraphale’s fingers with his. Aziraphale nodded and inched closer to Crowley. Then, with a shudder, Crowley told him everything. The hellfire they brought in, the lack of an actual trial and sentencing, Gabriel telling him to shut up and die already, the whole thing. As Crowley spoke, Aziraphale’s expression tensed, then melted into something unreadable.

The two sat in silence for a moment, Aziraphale’s thumb absentmindedly brushing Crowley’s hand. Crowley looked at Aziraphale, noting his blank expression.

“Angel, I didn’t mean to upset you—”

“I’ve always known” Aziraphale cut into Crowley’s apology, finally turning to meet Crowley’s eyes. “I’ve always known how much they disliked me… didn’t think it would be that much”

“Angel, forget about them,” Crowley brought a hand to Aziraphale’s face and turned him to meet Crowley’s eyes. “Fuck Heaven. You do so much good, and for an organization that claims to love all and forgive, they wouldn’t know what forgiveness was if it bit them all in the arse”

His words came out harsher than he meant them to, fully melded with Crowley’s protectiveness over Aziraphale and his own grudges against Heaven. He pulled away slightly, knowing his sudden anger might frighten Aziraphale.

But Aziraphale grabbed Crowley and pulled him close. _Stay with me_, he thought, clutching his demon’s hands and looking into his eyes. _Tell me everything._

“You know you…” Aziraphale started, holding Crowley close. “You’ve never told me… how it happened…”

“I just told you, they wanted to just—” “I mean, how _you fell_, Crowley… maybe…” he stopped when he saw Crowley’s expression grow cold. Crowley went to turn away from him again, but Aziraphale caught his face with his hand. “It might help you…”

Crowley gulped, then looked at Aziraphale. He was trying to help, he really was. But how would talking about his Fall help either one of them? It was a wound Crowley was content with keeping closed, no matter how badly it healed. But then again. Maybe Aziraphale had a point. He had never told _anyone_—not even his houseplants—about his Fall.

Crowley took a deep breath. Now was probably better than never.

“So…” Crowley began, grabbing Aziraphale’s hands “A long time ago, there was an angel…”


	2. Raphael and the Bad Decisions...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raphael was eager to help create a brand new world for God's newest creatures, but he still had so many questions that no one would answer...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Took me a minute to finish that bit, but woohoo! This story is going to be in two parts, and I'm going to include another story in this series. It'll all be great, trust me.

A long time ago, there was an angel, and his name was Raphael. And he was happy in Heaven. With the help of his close friend and counterpart Gabriel, they created many of the stars in the sky.

Alpha Centauri had been his favorite.

Now, Raphael was very happy in Heaven, don’t get him wrong. Every day was beautiful, and he got to help create some of the more beautiful things in this universe that was being born, and he was honored to be a part of such a grand project.

But. He had questions.

Many of the questions he had, he asked his fellow archangels. Especially Gabriel.

“So, who are we creating this all for?” he would ask Gabriel, as they walked arm-and-arm through one of the many gardens of heaven.

“We’re creating this for the beings who will be living here” Gabriel would answer.

“But who is going to be living here?” he would ask.

“Humans. They’re being that will be made in Her image, and they’ll carry out her will on Earth, where we cannot” Gabriel would answer.

“But why can’t we carry out Her will down there? Why create new beings just to carry out her will?”

Gabriel would always pause. There was always a question in Raphael’s stream of questions he couldn’t answer, but he didn’t want to leave him hanging. Raphael’s questions would always annoy the other archangels, who always snapped and told him to “just stop asking questions”

But Gabriel liked his questions.

“Well…” he would always end up answering, as sweetly as he could “…it’s all part of Her Great Plan”

Most days Raphael would drop it, and they’d finish their walk in silence, enjoying one another’s company in silence. But today was different.

“But… Gabriel?” Raphael looked at Gabriel, golden eyes brimming with more questions “Have you… have you ever even wondered what the ‘Great Plan’ is? You always tell me it’s just the ‘Great Plan’, but no one seems to know what this plan is!”

Gabriel was a little taken aback. He’d never thought to question the Great Plan, he never saw a reason to. Raphael let go of Gabriel’s arm to grab both his hands. “And no one seems to want to tell me. Or anyone. I thought She was supposed to know and keep us all informed—”

“Raphael,” Gabriel warned. “But she’s keeping us all in the dark, and I just want to know—”

“Raphael, please keep your voice down”

“What’s the matter with knowing, Gabriel?”

Raphael’s voice broke, and he had to look away from Gabriel. Of all the angels in Heaven, he had always relied on Gabriel to answer him, entertain his many questions, and at the very least, have his back.

Which would only make the events later on hurt much worse.

“There’s nothing wrong with knowing, Raphael,” Gabriel cupped Raphael’s chin with his hand, looking at him with kind, reassuring eyes. “But… there are some things we just aren’t meant to know… okay?”

It wasn’t, but Raphael nodded his head anyways. He was glad that Gabriel was with him, and he was glad they were so close. Even if he couldn’t answer any of his questions, Gabriel’s presence just soothed Raphael. Gabriel wordlessly offered his arm to Raphael again, and Raphael took it. They continued their walk, Raphael’s head resting on Gabriel’s shoulder

…

“You’ve been asking a lot of questions lately, Raphael” Raphael looked up to see Lucifer leaning in the doorway, chestnut brown eyes twinkling with intention.

“Yea, what of it?” Raphael snapped. He had been getting made fun of by the other angels, especially the archangels (Except Gabriel, of course), by the number of questions he asked. Many of them did it just to shut him down, to get him to stop asking questions. Many of them just thought he was plain stupid.

Either way, he was defensive when anyone mentioned it. So, when Lucifer brought it up as if he were trying to make a deal of sorts, he was hesitant.

“Relax, Raph,” Lucifer crossed over to him and placed a hand on Raphael’s shoulder, a chill running down Raphael’s shoulder. “I have all the same questions as you, and so do some of my friends…”

“And?” Raphael questioned “Well,” Lucifer squeezed his shoulder “We want answers, and we’re not getting them, same as you”

“…So?”

“So…” Lucifer cupped Raphael’s chin and turned his face to meet his “So, we’re tired of asking and not receiving. We’ll find our own answers, and She can keep her secret ‘grand plan’. Are you in?”

A knot formed in Raphael’s throat. Sure, he was just as upset as Lucifer was about not receiving the answers he was looking for, but… what was he asking? He didn’t like what Lucifer was insinuating, nor did he like the familiar way in which Lucifer touched him and came into his space.

“What exactly are you planning?” Raphael pulled away from Lucifer’s touch, relieved when Lucifer didn’t replace the hands on his body. Lucifer grinned.

“Rebellion, dear Raph. Rebellion. We’re going to get our answers, and we’re going to take what is ours! Why does she get to know everything? Why does She get all the glory and we’re all supposed to just grovel at her feet? I’m done with it. And when we take the Throne of Heaven for our own, I’ll give you all the answers to all the questions you could ever want”

Lucifer wrapped his hand around Raphael’s shoulder, and once again pulled Raphael’s face to meet his. Raphael wasn’t sure.

“Won’t…won’t that just throw off the order of it all? You can’t do all the things She can, can you?” he asked weakly.

Lucifer’s hand traced Raphael’s cheek, and he desperately wanted him to stop. “Always so many questions, Raphael. Once we overthrow her and we gain her knowledge, I can be a better version of Her… I just need your help…”

…

Looking back on it now, Crowley should have known not to trust Lucifer, especially when his touch had turned his stomach as much as it did. Even as he relayed these events to Aziraphale now, he still wondered what would have happened if he had told Lucifer to stick his rebellion plan. Would he and Gabriel still be together? Would he have been among the angels that shunned and teased Aziraphale? Or would things have been different? Would they have even met?

“Darling?”

Crowley snapped out of his thoughts and looked at Aziraphale, his stormy eyes starting to cloud further by tiredness.

“Come on, Angel,” Crowley stood up and offered a hand to his angel “I’ll finish telling you the story tomorrow—or, uh, later today I suppose. You need sleep.”

Aziraphale took his hand and stood up “I want to hear the rest”

Crowley smiled weakly. He slowly picked Aziraphale up in his arms and carried him wedding style to their bedroom. He placed his angel down gently on the bed and curled up next to him, snaking his limbs around him.

“Well… the rest is pretty simple. I said ‘okay’ like a fool. The rebellion failed, we’re all cast out of Heaven, and I became Crowley…well, back then Crawly, I suppose…”

What he didn’t tell Aziraphale was the sounds of the other angels screaming as they were thrown from Heaven into Hell, nor did he mention the expression on Gabriel’s face: the mixture of disgust, resentment…and the hurt he saw in his eyes. And maybe that’s why Gabriel had said that to “Aziraphale” during the trial. Maybe he had seen right through their trick and just wanted the biggest mistake in his life to go away forever.

Aziraphale placed a gentle kiss on the tip of Crowley’s nose.

“Thank you”

“What for, angel? For keeping you up at all hours of the night?”

“No,” Aziraphale’s eyes were closed now, and he pressed his forehead against Crowley’s “Thank you for opening up to me… I know that was hard…”

Crowley sighed. He pressed his lips against Aziraphale’s, then shifted so that Aziraphale could place his head against his chest.

“You make it easy, angel”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See? Sort of happy ending there, I suppose. I promise this series will get better, cross my heart.
> 
> For now, if you want to see more of my original work, be sure to follow my writing blog @sewritesplay on tumblr, or if you just want some Good Omens shitposting and other nonsense, you can always follow my main blog @cosmic-marigolds

**Author's Note:**

> I write fluff all the time so I guess we're gonna break into ANGST. I hope you all enjoyed the first chapter.


End file.
